This was written back in 2017, so it is an older writing but still has relevance to today, so I wanted to share.
If you had to ask me what one of my least favorite things in life would be, I probably would answer “uncertainty”. It is such a challenge for me. When I was dating, I just wanted to know if he was “the one”. Because I was always striving for some degree of certainty in every aspect of my life, I sometimes find it difficult to enjoy the journey because I am worrying or wondering about all the “what ifs” in every situation.
Recently I experienced a significant loss. I was over the moon when I got the faint positive line on the pregnancy test. For years, I wasn’t sure if I would have the opportunity to have another child. I love being a mom to my 2 boys, but sometimes wondered if I was supposed to have more children. When I unexpectedly saw that faint line, I was was filled with excitement to think about all the possibilities with this new life growing inside of me. The excitement lasted for only a moment until I realized that I would have to tell my husband and it occurred to me that he might not be as excited as I was. It was only a few weeks before when we had a conversation about possibly having a baby. He was willing to think about it, but he wasn’t sure if that is what he wanted. As it turns out, he wasn’t ready for that positive pregnancy test. My very organized, planner husband did not like surprises and this was a big one. After a couple of weeks he started to come around, but unfortunately it wasn’t meant to be. I ended up losing the baby. At first it appeared to be a miscarriage, but turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy. We went through almost 9 weeks of medical tests, treatment, and monitoring until my body had fully recovered from the loss. Through this entire experience, I went through many moments of complete uncertainty. Uncertainty around my husband’s reaction to the positive pregnancy test. Would he be happy? Would he come around to the idea of having a baby? Will he resent the baby because it wasn’t part of his plan? Then uncertainty about whether the baby was healthy because it took several days to determine that I had in fact lost the baby. Followed by uncertainty around whether the treatment for the ectopic pregnancy would work or if I would have to have emergency surgery. And lastly uncertainty around whether I would ever be able to have another healthy pregnancy.
Uncertainty can be all consuming. So many scenarios to consider and usually in this state of mind, I find myself fixating on the negative possibilities. It is not a good place to be. I have come to realize that there really isn’t much certainty in life. The only thing that is certain is who God is. God does not change. When I shift my focus to the certainty of who God is and not on the uncertainty of my circumstances, I begin to find some peace.
I recently got another positive pregnancy test. Of course, this time I was thrilled, but also a little hesitant because of my recent loss. Now I am going through another series of testing to confirm that this pregnancy is healthy and that the baby is where it is supposed to be. I would describe it as being cautiously optimistic. I do have those moments where I feel like I am drowning in the depths of uncertainty, like when I am waiting for the doctor’s office to call with my latest test results. But I keep reminding myself to shift my focus back to what is certain. I was drawn to Psalm 139: 13-16 “You made all the delicate, inner parts of my body and knit me together in my mother’s womb. Thank you for making me so wonderfully complex! Your workmanship is marvelous—how well I know it. You watched me as I was being formed in utter seclusion, as I was woven together in the dark of the womb. You saw me before I was born. Every day of my life was recorded in your book. Every moment was laid out before a single day had passed.” I don’t know for sure if I will give birth to a healthy baby 9 months from now or not. Only time will tell, but what I do know is that the Lord is at work, knitting this little one together and that He has every moment laid out. That is something I can be certain about. For me, there is some peace in that. No matter what happens, I know that the Lord is at work even when the circumstances are so uncertain. He is my certainty.
I know there are so many others out there with stories of loss. My heart goes out to you especially in those moments where you feel like you are drowning in the depths of uncertainty. I pray you find peace and encouragement in the one who is certain.